A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
