dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think your dad took our porno
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
