We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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