all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
