In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
