You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
