Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
