True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
