i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
