There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
