My balls are so social today.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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