oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
