i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
