If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
