I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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