Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
