I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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