my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
