he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i dont even know how to be here
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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