my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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