I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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