I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
