i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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