you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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