no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
