There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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