I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
