do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
