I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
