you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
