I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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