what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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