there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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