I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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