Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
cat food counts as protein by the way
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
