I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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