I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
