I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
