Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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