perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
where am i from again
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
