He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
