My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
