if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
