In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
