Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
