This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
