Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
