just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
