his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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