you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
