just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
