I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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